I was at the library earlier this week and saw this book on the shelf and was instantly drawn to it. Why? Don't worry, I'm not thinking about leaving Adam. I guess I just love to read about relationships and what makes them work. This book was so fascinating that I could not stop reading it. I finished it in less than two days. Even Adam started reading it. It's all about expectations, judgment, and superficiality when it comes to choosing a mate.
This book got me thinking about a lot of things but mostly about Adam and I and how we met and dated and finally decided to get married. Let me just say that our dating relationship was tumultuous, a bit like a roller coaster.
I related a lot to some of the women in this book when I was single. Before I met Adam, I had a pretty specific idea of the "type" of guy that I wanted to marry-- edgy, but not too edgy, intellectual, had to love books/literature, had to like music, had to be witty and fun, a strong testimony, good family, brunette, definitely HAD to be older than me, a returned missionary, NOT a business major, good teeth, nice hands, a certain type of dresser, etc, etc, etc. You get the idea. I rejected several men because I felt like they just weren't my "type." I was, however, completely (or so I thought) in love with a friend of mine for five years and I kept thinking that someday he would decide to feel the same way about me. We were in the same ward and one day after church I came home and FINALLY realized that it was never going to happen. I said a prayer and told Heavenly Father that I was ready to get married but didn't know what I needed to do and that I was open to suggestions. I got the impression that I needed to start looking beyond my expectations and to broaden my horizons.
It was only a few weeks later that my sister and I went to a CES broadcast together and she stopped by to pick up Adam because she felt sorry for him because he just got home from his mission and didn't have any friends. Keep in mind that I was 26 at the time and he was 21. Well, he came out of his house and he looked so hot but definitely young. Anyway, from there it eventually led to dating. As I got to know him, I wanted to break up with him because he was so young, he didn't like books, he wasn't an academic. The things that kept me hanging on were that he had an incredibly strong testimony and took the gospel very seriously, he came from a great family, he was a hard worker, and we shared a love for travel.
Well, we broke up more than a few times because of my reservations and he had some because he had never dated anyone before me and felt that he needed to gain more experience before he decided to get married. We dated for about nine months, going back and forth. He finally decided to spend a month in Europe and broke up before he left. I guess you could say that absence truly does make the heart grow fonder because it gave me a lot of time to think. I finally realized that, just because we didn't share many hobbies, didn't mean we were incompatible and that what we did share was by far the most important-- love of the gospel and similar views on raising children and the importance of family.
Obviously, we did decide to get married even though we were both very scared. And you know what I've realized since then is that similar hobbies really don't matter. Especially once you start having kids because you don't have time for those things anymore anyway. What bonds us together is watching our children grow, going through struggles together, and trying to live good lives. One of my single friends told me awhile ago that he wasn't interested in someone because there wasn't a 'spark' but I'm here to say that my best relationship didn't start with a spark but more of a warmness that eventually turned into lasting love.
Adam hates it when I tell this story because he always interprets it as me deciding to "settle" on him but that's not my point at all. My point is, I was being way too judgmental and petty to actually give ANY one a chance-- no one was ever good enough. I'm really glad that I learned that lesson in time to meet Adam and actually give him a chance. I'm amazed now that I ever got married. I love Adam and this book has helped me appreciate my him and our decision even more. I have it pretty darn good--I have a good relationship built on mutual understanding, commitment, and selflessness, although I know I can do better in the latter area.
In retrospect, it amazes me how I ended up with someone totally unlike all of the other guys I had dated. Even some of my male friends didn't quite get why I kept dating him and eventually married him. I think, at the time, they thought that maybe I was settling but that just wasn't the case. I just finally came to the realization that my expectations were totally unrealistic and that if I wanted to be married and happy then I needed to really narrow down what was important.
I guess I got caught up in the misconception of the romantic comedy romance. It's a lie-- a myth devised to distort what love is and convince women that we're princesses. Real love takes actual work and I'm not totally sure that I really even knew what love was when I got married. I loved Adam then but not anywhere close to how much I love him today. And to think that I almost dumped him for good... what a fool I was.
PS: There is also a fascinating section on divorce.
10 comments:
what a beautiful post Angie!! Thanks for sharing!!! I loved it!!
I loved this - and now I totally want to read that book! I can absolutely relate; Chuck and I are sooo not similar in a lot of ways and a lot of people were pretty worried when we were dating (although that might have been because I was 18 . . . ). Ultimately, it's like you say - we have the most important things in common and everything else can be worked out.
Marriage is a LOT of work and you get out of it what you put in, which is what I have to remind myself a lot when I'm not feeling 'taken care of' - what have I done for Chuck lately? Anyways, I'm so glad you wrote about this!
love love love this post. well done, girl. thanks much for sharing it!!! and i will definitely have to read that book. i am LOVING Bill Bryson's At Home (based on your suggestion from an earlier post). it is absolutely hysterical.
i find myself with very similar feelings to those you shared... i've got my head in the clouds too much about that whole aspect of life. it's taken years to come back to earth. ha ha ha.
ps. i love that you married a younger man. i tend toward the younger myself. you'll live longer with 'em. and they don't have as much baggage. ;)
j
Loved this post! Made me tear up a bit (surprised?!) You and Adam are perfect for each other! Maybe I should see if the ML library has this book.
Thanks guys! I was a little nervous about posting this since it doesn't exactly portray me as open-minded and accepting. Oh well, how would we learn if not for self-analysis?
Jana-- I always appreciate your thoughtful, flattering comments.
Jayna-- I'm so glad you like the Bryson book. I wonder if we like it so much because we've spent time in the UK. It was easy to visualize a lot of things he talked about. I think I might read again. And, yes, to the younger man thing. I was obviously opposed to it in the beginning but there are a lot of benefits. The only drawback is that I tend to think of myself as HIS age rather than my real age so b-days are kind of depressing sometimes:)
Em--Not surprised you teared up. I don't think we were perfect for each other when we were dating. I remember a lot of long, awkward silences and me thinking, "We have absolutely NOTHING to talk about it." I guess we worked it out so now we're perfect for each other.
Hi there—
I was blog surfing and I came across your blog. I know we have met in the past through institute, and I have seen you at the gym a few months back. I will have to say hello next time!
I just wanted to thank you for this post! This book sounds terrific. I too married someone I didn’t think I would initially end up with and it required broadening my horizons. At first he actually drove me crazy. He is different than I imagined I would be with, but I am learning different is good!
But all along I feel like I was being guided and directed by Heavenly Father, so I couldn’t deny the peace when it came time to make a decision of marriage, despite my vision of what I thought I wanted.
Thank you for sharing!
Amber (Waite) Croff
Hi there—
I was blog surfing and I came across your blog. I know we have met in the past through institute, and I have seen you at the gym a few months back. I will have to say hello next time!
I just wanted to thank you for this post! This book sounds terrific. I too married someone I didn’t think I would initially end up with and it required broadening my horizons. At first he actually drove me crazy. He is different than I imagined I would be with, but I am learning different is good!
But all along I feel like I was being guided and directed by Heavenly Father, so I couldn’t deny the peace when it came time to make a decision of marriage, despite my vision of what I thought I wanted.
Thank you for sharing!
Amber (Waite) Croff
Hi there—
I was blog surfing and I came across your blog. I know we have met in the past through institute, and I have seen you at the gym a few months back. I will have to say hello next time!
I just wanted to thank you for this post! This book sounds terrific. I too married someone I didn’t think I would initially end up with and it required broadening my horizons.
At first he actually drove me crazy. He is different than I imagined I would be with, but I am learning different is good!
But all along I feel like I was being guided and directed by Heavenly Father, so I couldn’t deny the peace when it came time to make a decision of marriage, despite my vision of what I thought I wanted.
Thank you for sharing!
Amber (Waite) Croff
oops I totally didn't mean to flood your inbox!!! I didn't think it was posting. Sorry!
Clearly, I'm getting caught up on your blog tonight. I've been lazy these past many months. I needed this post. Even though you wrote it January, just know it made a difference to me in May. You are amazing! I'm going to pick up that book. I read a similar article a few years back, but I didn't know there was a book. LOVE IT!
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